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Joke of the Day

"Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except one... ...he's never gonna give you *Up.*"

"My girlfriend keeps telling me i need a job... I said ""with your hands or your mouth?"""

"Me: Compassion is my compass. Him: We've been lost for 3 days and you gave your coat to a bear that looked cold."

"Of course I don't put Christmas presents under the tree for the CAT! That's just silly. She gets a stocking."

"mom: do the dishes me: i cant im ugly"

"If you text ""Haiti"" to Pat Robertson's phone number, $10 will be deducted from his account and sent to Haiti."

"What do you call an inspiring jerk session? A stroke of genius!"

"My wife doesn't like it when I pee in the shower... Especially when I'm not in it... And she is."

"Why do white girls always stay in groups of odd numbers? Because they can't even..."

"What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? Taste..."