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Joke of the Day

"I guess even though he's resigning, the pope is still against birth control- That's why he pulled out."

"Angela Jolie's scanning the crowd. Anyone who's foreign and underaged goes in the adoption queue. #goldenglobes"

"People in California be like Tree down walkway closed!"

"[interview for waiter position] Manager: ""So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?"" Stegosaurus: ""You're kidding me right?"""

"Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming ""But dad we're goldfish"" Oh yeah, I forgot ""Forgot what?"""

"I just burned 2000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."

"[math teacher] your homework looks like chicken scratch, but you got them all correct [later at home] I think she's on to us, mathmachicken"

"What do you call three Pokemon nerds having a circle jerk. Dugtrio"

"Texts: Cool! What does it say? Emails: Oh God... what do they want? Phone call: I basically assume someone has died."

"It should be called stay your crazy ass home Friday..."