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Joke of the Day

"I accidentally dropped my phone from a 20-story building. It's a good thing I had it on Flight Mode."

"My boss told me that if I can't show up sober then don't bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!"

"I tried smuggling child porn across the border once.... and i would've gotten away with it if it weren't for those fucking kids!"

"Did you hear about the man who won a lifetime supply of Marijuana Lotion. He hit the jackpot."

"Why do dogs run in circles? Because it's harder to run in squares."

"What's the difference between Adolf Hitler and Neville Chamberlain? Neville Chamberlain takes a weekend in the country. Adolf Hitler takes a country in the weekend. (First told circa 1938)"

"[about to go in for emergency surgery] ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?"

"Whenever people say they're willing to do ""whatever it takes"" to ""make it in Hollywood"" they never mean ""patiently work on their craft""."

"My mate is setting up a helpline for men who are addicted to masturbating..... I hope he pulls it off....."

"Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he'd like. After a stunned silence, I explained 'quiche' was not pronounced 'quickie'."