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Joke of the Day

"Only attractive people that get laid all the time troll people on the internet. Everybody knows that."

"The Declaration of Independence was NOT written in Philadelphia. it was written in ink"

"Pharmacist: need any help? Me: Yes, I'd like whatever Oprah was on when she gave each and every audience member a car"

"Why haven't you ever seen a hippo hiding in a tree? Because they are really good at it."

"I went to see Jurassic World because I heard there was a recently genetically modified dinosaur... I didn't see Caitlyn Jenner anywhere"

"Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are."

"Why does my wife always wait until I'm at the opposite end of the house before asking me to 'Merm frner mernferr brnerfer!'?"

"Entered into a hot potato competition today. It really got outta hand."

"East and West Germany In West Germany your job determines your Marks. In East Germany Marx determines your job."

"11yo: Daddy, why can't we get a dog? Me: I like our house the way it is. 11: What, small? Me: Go to your drawer."