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Joke of the Day

"11yo: Daddy, why can't we get a dog? Me: I like our house the way it is. 11: What, small? Me: Go to your drawer."

"What did the Pirate say when he got his firecrackers? Ahoy M-80"

"What's the worst thing a woman can hear after giving Willie Nelson a blow job? ""I'm not Willie Nelson."""

"[NSFW] Offensive as Fuck What's big and blue and has 300 nipples? The dumpster outside the breast cancer clinic."

"The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once."

"Remember when Taco Bell's slogan was ""run for the border""? Doesn't that seem really racist now... that would be like KFC's slogan being ""go back to Africa"""

"Apple Watch now comes with a new app... It estimates how long you will have to wait in line for the Apple Watch 2.0."

"Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from."

"What do you get when you cross and elephant with a giraffe? ||elephant||||giraffe||sin()"

"Whenever I'm drinking gatorade and wearing gym clothes I wonder if people think I'm exercising or if they know I'm hungover on laundry day."