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Joke of the Day

"""We're going to chop off your testicles so we can love you until we decide you need to die."" --pet owners"

"Why didn't the melons get married in Vegas? Because they cantaloupe. This joke was brought to you by Dads inc."

"FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea"

"If I had a nickel for every time my pants have fallen down from carrying around too many nickles."

"A seal walks into a bar The bartender says, ""What'll it be?"" The seal says, ""Anything but a Canadian Club."""

"Animal sounds Cats go meow Rats go squeak Dogs go woof Pigs go ""Put your hands on your fucking head unless you wanna be shot in your fucking skull!"""

"*catwoman struggles into suit* *catwoman realises she needs to pee* *crie*"

"When I die I don't want a big funeral. I'd just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life..."

"Anti-vaxxers make me SICK! Or they would, if my parents were imbeciles"

"Give weeds an inch... And they'll take a yard."