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Joke of the Day

"Animal sounds Cats go meow Rats go squeak Dogs go woof Pigs go ""Put your hands on your fucking head unless you wanna be shot in your fucking skull!"""

"[first day working at the pizzeria] Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we've run out of everything"

"My ex-wife still misses me... BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER!"

"Having children really brought me and my wife closer together. We have a common enemy now."

"Ain't no sandwich when she's gone."

"I just took a part time job at a vitamin store... for some supplemental income."

"...how is life in North Korea? I can't complain."

"Why couldn't the motorcycle stand on it's own? because it was too tired."

"Q: How many Hillary Clintons does it take to change a light bulb? A: One--she just holds the bulb and the world revolves around her."

"Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There's nothing to be learned from that much profanity."