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Joke of the Day

"DJ: ""MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!"" *Groans* *Sobs* *sighs* *a solitary gunshot*"

"You know when you lie, things can get out of hand very quickly....... For example I heard about a girl who lied to her husband about how she got pregnant and now there is an entire religion."

"5-year-old: What are Nazis? Me: Bad people who we killed a long, long time ago 5: Why were they bad? Me: They kept correcting our grammar"

"What were the odds that Matt Damon made it off Mars? Astronomical"

"Yo mamma is so lazy and dumb... She thought Jungle Gym was Tarzan's cousin! Original. You're welcome."

"Be the reason they create new laws."

"The next time you are in a group and everyone is on their phones except you, go ahead and treat yourself to a fart. You earned it!"

"What do you call Hitler on his birthday? Hightler"

"How many bitter Hillary Clinton supporters does it take to change a light bulb? None, we've decided to let a man do the job."

"I always squat on the floor, wrap my arms around my knees and lean forward Cause that's how I roll."