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Joke of the Day

"Be the reason they create new laws."

"Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me. She blamed it on pregnancy brain. I asked her if she was having triplets."

"[deathbed] ME: Give me that sword & I'll haunt it when I die SON: I made this [hands me cake] ME: No! [dies] CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it"

"I was bullied in high school by the X men. No, not the group of crime fighting mutants, but a bunch of transgender females who were better at sports than I was."

"when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like ""wheeee!"""

"Wishing for bad shit to happen to people you hate is so wrong. You gotta be way more proactive than that."

"Just been to Tesco and swapped 50 raisins for 100 sultanas Can't believe the currant exchange rate!"

"I'm addicted to algebra I can't **function** without it!"

"Trump is a misogynist. And I think it is disgusting the views he has on bitches."

"Two blondes are driving. The first blonde asks, ""Is my blinker working?"" The second blonde checks the dashboard and responds, ""Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no."""