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Joke of the Day

"A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too."

"A student brings a slingshot to algebra class and fires gum at the professor It was a weapon of math disruption."

"ME: I wasn't invited to the party FRIEND: Yeah, people think you're melodramatic ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone"

"If I could be any enzyme It would be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes."

"[wife checking on me and the kids] Hello ""I called the house, you didn't answer."" I went out. ""Ok. Well how have they been?"" How's who been?"

"What do you call a horny herbaceous bread mixture? Dill dough"

"I just had my ass blasted.. It was an explosive diarrhea."

"Hey Ray Rice... What do you tell a fiance with two black eyes? Nothing. You already told her twice."

"How can a blind person tell if they're home? They check the architexture."

"A man proposes to his girlfriend. She has one condition. Syphilis."