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Joke of the Day

"My brother was in a car accident yesterday... and lost both his left arm and left leg. Actually, he's my half brother. He's all right now."

"What does the horny scientist call a lobotomy? Getting head"

"Democratic debate is in Flint, Michigan ""Would you like some water Secretary??"""" ""No, not at all!"""

"COP 1: whys there a dead scuba diver in the forest?? COP 2: easy...he was in the water they drop on forest fires WEIRD SERIAL KILLER: no no NO"

"What's white, hard, and 12 inches long? Nothing."

"I don't like it when my phone puts a word in ""quotals"" like I made it up or I'm stupid or something."

"I'm trying to not be horny all the time but it's hard"

"""Two roads diverged in a wood, and I? I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming."""

"Always remember, there's someone out there for everyone... You'll probably never find them and die alone, but they're out there."

"Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters ? They both drop their needles !"