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Joke of the Day
"You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching."
Next Joke
"Where do cat astronauts go? Meowterspace"
"Why was 5 afraid of 6? Because 6 7 8! ...(in honor of May 4th Star Wars day)..."
"7: Dad, why did the Tooth Fairy write me a check? Me: I don't know but she needs you to hold on to it until the 15th."
"[phone sex] GF: Tell me you want me ME: I want you badly GF: How badly? ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly"
"My wife gets really annoyed when I make sexual requests. The other night, I asked her if we could try the praying mantis' position and she tore my head off"
"What's the difference between outlaws and in-laws ? Outlaws are wanted"
"NO. Absolutely not. I do not want to see your stupid cat video I've seen a billion cat vid-yeah ok let me see"
"No Valentine On Valentines Day? Don't worry if you don't have a valentine on valentine's day.. Most people don't even have AIDS on World AIDS day.."
"Mom, have you seen my turtle? Your friends took it outside to play. They're cracking walnuts."