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Joke of the Day

"Did you hear about that proctologist who became an English teacher? Did you hear about the proctologist who became and English teacher? He specializes in teaching analogies."

"[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?"

"There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down, he sneered at me and I thought, well that's a little condescending."

"Just had a vegetarian meal with a nonalcoholic beverage at a restaurant whose produce are 80% locally grown. Feeling pretty smug."

"My diet has slowly gone from balanced and nutritious to Augustus Gloop on the first stop of Willy Wonka's tour."

"If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple ""Thank you"" would be nice... ...None of that ""How did you get into my house?"" business."

"My wife and I decided we don't want children... ...if anybody does, we can drop them off tomorrow."

"Just one time I wanna see The Bachelor get a cold sore"

"What's the one thing pacifism and Hinduism have in common? Those who practice them don't want any beef with people."

"Why do women wear makeup and perfume? Because they are ugly and smell bad."