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Joke of the Day

"Apparently you can make a career out of exhaling It's called a blowjob"

"I like walking up to any bald guy wearing sunglasses and saying ""Excuse me but I'm supposed to meet a guy named Pitbull here, are you him?"""

"Tequila is just the grown up version of choose your own adventure books."

"As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: ""I'm going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."""

"Sometimes I'm depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it's like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!"

"""So what kind of work do you do?"" ""I move cows"" ""Oh , so you're a rancher?"" ""Not really , I'm a zumba instructor"""

"What did the priest say at the salad bar? Lettuce pray."

"KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret MARILYN MONROE: ok i'll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday K: pls dont MM: *winking* ok"

"Don't mess around with asexuals They don't fuck around."

"What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle? You can't violin with the electric meter"