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Joke of the Day

"My Dad was the town drunk, ... and we lived in Chicago."

"CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement? Me: *pauses* (with Cheeto stained lips) *kisses paper* CW: Me: That's my signature."

"I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they're going to be talking."

"Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You're a racist."

"Why are doctors always calm? They have a lot of patients. Sorry."

"QUESTION: What is the difference between a ""Battery"" and a woman? ANSWER: A battery has a positive side."

"A man in front of me dropped $20 I picked it up and asked myself, what would Jesus do? So I turned it into wine. I bought wine."

"Ancestry.com will not get a cent of my money until they can tell me which apes I came from."

"So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola. Does anyone else get the feeling they don't know what ebola is?"

"You know what I love about world history? ... It's a long story"