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Joke of the Day

"A joke died on stage. It leaves behind an orphaned punchline."

"MAFIA BOSS (ominously): Take him out ME: What if he's already seeing someone MAFIA BOSS: Well then you have to respect that relationship"

"Still haven't mastered the art of gracefully taking off a sweatshirt."

"A prisoner was told how he'll be executed Needless to say, he was shocked."

"[raises hand during kickboxing lesson] when do we get to kick boxes? [instructor] that's not what we- [me] I just hate boxes so damn much"

"How do you make an egg roll? Push it."

"You're not fat, you're just... easier to see."

"Have you ever had Somalian food? Neither have they."

"7: ""Mama, if someone licked the treadmill, would that someone get sick?"" Me: ""Are you the someone?"" 7: ""Maybe"" Holy hell."

"The right response to ""I'm a bit tied up at the moment"" isn't ""what are you wearing?"" Apparently."