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Joke of the Day

"I just killed a man and his death is everywhere! (Ate a piece of toast and made some crumbs, dramatized for your entertainment *bow*)"

"""These diet pills better work,"" I say to myself as I wash them down with a chocolate milkshake."

"Like my grandpa Clint Eastwood used to say, it's never too late to adopt a fake name to impress girls."

"How do you find Illuminati's secret hideout? You triangulate their position!"

"What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a small child? Eric Clapton wouldn't let the bag of cocaine fall out of a window"

"There once was... There once was a woman with dementia and she"

"What do particle physicists like to drink? Pina colliders."

"No, no, no. I said I was a 'peephole' person."

"By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I've likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring."

"Remember when you thought if you accidentally swallowed apple seeds, a tree would grow in your belly? God I miss my 'Thirties'...."