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Joke of the Day

"Accidentally left my phone at home, now I know how Kevin McCallister's parents felt."

"Did you hear about the man who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink."

"What does an aging Mafia boss do for his birthday? Forget about it."

"Everyone around me keeps telling me I'm mean. Which is absurd. Plus, they're ugly."

"I tweet because it's fun and I like the validation, but also because one day it'll prove to a jury how crazy I am."

"I tried to buy a new boomerang today but I couldn't throw my old one away."

"Making jokes about rape is hard... because it's such a touchy subject and you always have to force it"

"Sometimes I wake up Grumpy... other times I let her sleep."

"How Can You Tell Your Girlfriend Is Getting Fat? She starts fitting into your wife's clothes."

"Did you hear about the dog who had sleep apnea? He had to get a C-PUP machine."