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Joke of the Day

"If I've learned one thing from twitter, it's how to get a ton of work done in an hour after wasting 80% of my day tweeting."

"What do you call someone incapable of eating people? A can't-ibal"

"Why do Texans duel at high noon? They distrust clocks."

"I'm working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first."

"My friend died doing what he loved most... Heroin."

"When geese fly in a ""V"" formation, do you know why one side is longer than the other? Because there are more birds on that side."

"Why did the cheerleader get kicked out on her last day of school?[x-post from /r/punny ] Because you can't end on a prep position."

"[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family"

"People think I'm a hugger, but I'm actually shaking them down for snacks."

"The discharge paperwork at the hospital seems to be expedited a little quicker if you roam up and down the hall with the back of your hospital gown untied."