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Joke of the Day

"I stuffed my mom last night. I know you're thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that's gross but jokes on you I'm a taxidermist"

"I can't wait to meet that special someone who will eventually ignore me."

"Taxi drivers seem pretty sad these days... I guess you could say they're, *uber* depressed."

"What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo? A Hippo is heavy and a Zippo is a little lighter."

"How many performance artists does it take to screw in a light bulb? I don't know either, I walked out early too."

"Are you getting older and wiser? No he's getting older and wider!"

"My best friend stole my wife from me... I am really going to miss him."

"[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week] ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I'm not dead!"

"So I bought a new boomerang today, the problem is, I can't seem to throw away my old one."

"Emotions are like farts... You can only hold them in for so long."