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Joke of the Day

"Believing that you are popular or ""famous"" on twitter... ...is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly."

"Me: Now what's the rule, son? 11yo: *sighs* If his first album came out after 2000, I can't call him a rapper. Me: You're learning..."

"Apparently If ur BF says ""if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new...."" ""anything"" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic."

"I wouldn't say I hate my dad... But I can't deny he's a real motherfucker."

"Two sausages in a pan; one says to the other ""It's hot in here isn't it?"" ...the other one turns round and says ""FUCK ME! A talking sausage!"""

"Things Michael J. Fox would be good at Grating Parmesan cheese."

"More like ""science UN-fair"" *I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava* *I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon"

"My body is shaped like a hooded sweatshirt."

"I've decided to take the day off today. I'm just going to call it to."

"this is a serious question if you have sex with a hoker and dont pay is it shoplifting"