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Joke of the Day
"Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us."
Next Joke
"Smoke alarms are stupid -- like I'd ever forget to smoke."
"[dentist giving me a filling] Me: guh uh hag a hogreg? Dentist stops: what? Me: do you have a boyfriend?"
"Me: ""The only person I need in my life is you."" Bartender: ""Please stop trying to hold my hand."""
"My wife was getting freaky.. ... And she kept screaming 'Harder, Ryan!'. And that kind of made me mad, since my name is Leonard."
"If you're class of 2020.... then you must have a vision for the future."
"[phone call with ex] Me: you want to hang out tonight? Ex: sure. When & where? Me: no, we're not going. It's enough just to know you would."
"Lost my watch at a party once Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch"
"I masturbate with soap Just thought I'd come clean"
"Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems"