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Joke of the Day

"I'm should probably update everyone who wrote ""Have a great summer!"" in my high school yearbook. It was okay."

"Was your ass freed from enslavement? Because it's off the chain."

"What's the difference between a feminist and incense sticks? Incense sticks make scents."

"You can tell a lot about a person during the opening of Queen's ""Under Pressure"" depending on how bummed they are it's not ""Ice Ice Baby""."

"A joke I made up inspired by Mitch Hedberg. ""Last week I had to put down my dog. It was sad."" ""I said, you are one dumb dog."""

"Hope nobody has a video of me trying to get the fourth corner of a fitted sheet over the mattress."

"Why should you pay scientists with $50 bills? They're always looking for Grant money."

"Just once I'd like to yell, ""Don't you know who I am?!"" because I'm important, not because I'm drunk and actually forgot."

"When I left home, my mum said, ""Don't forget to write."" I thought, ""That's unlikely... It's a basic skill, isn't it?"""

"Winter is like the Justin Bieber of seasons... It was kind of cute and exciting when it first started out, now its a bit obnoxious and should probably just stay in Canada."