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Joke of the Day

"Be that Shopping Cart with the bad wheel. Go in your own direction no matter how hard someone try's to push you in theirs."

"I could've been a boxer, like my father. He could've been one too Source: Simon Munnery"

"How do you get to Matthew McConaughey's House? All right, all right, all right.."

"Dudes, how can we keep track of how long it's been since we've been on a date? I mean, women can just measure their leg hair..."

"ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything. WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter. ME: I know. *carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*"

"It sucks when you try to join a gang in a new city and find out none of your street creds transferred."

"Life is like a box of Chocolates It doesn't last as long for fat people."

"God said to peter come fourth... But Peter came fifth and won a toaster"

"I like to stand next to someone else's screaming baby, call an ex boyfriend, and tell him, ""We need to talk!"""

"Life was simpler when photo albums were books containing pleasant family snaps and not digital online librarys of me puking in a shoe."