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Joke of the Day

"He's making a list, He's checking it twice. And now I'm falling asleep. And she's calling a cab."

"What do you get when you cross a weasel with a whale? A reprimand from the Scientific Ethics and Integrity Committee and an immediate withdrawal of your grant funding."

"For sale Dead Budgie Not going cheep"

"I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I'm on it and that's not what's happening."

"I once tried to overdose on Viagra. It was the hardest time of my life.."

"My friend drowned last week, so I had a wreath made in the shape of a life jacket in his memory. I'm sure it's what he would have wanted. -Milton Jones"

"I walked up to MC Hammer to tell him a joke.. Stop me if you heard this one"

"It's such a beautiful day I had to open the window while I watched TV."

"Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the ""jack thingy"" is at in the trunk and when he shows you.. That's when you push him in."

"I'm against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal."