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Joke of the Day

"What happens when you drop a whale on thin ice? Her: What? You: It breaks the ice. Hi, i'm (your name)"

"To the woman with the screaming kids in Walmart: If you're wondering how the condoms got in your cart....You're welcome"

"How do parents in Africa celebrate their kid's first birthday? They bring flowers to his grave."

"What do you get with a woman majoring in woman's studies? I don't know but she'll never make as much as a man AND SHE KNOWS IT!"

"Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?"

"2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs"

"a bum came up to me once and said ""sticking your junk in the snow is what necrophilia feels like"" ok"

"People say filling animals with helium is wrong but i say, whatever floats your goat."

"90% of being a dad is yelling about doors being left open while the air conditioning is running."

"Never bang someone old enough to be your mom especially if you were adopted"