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Joke of the Day

"A heads up to girls on Facebook .. if your status says ""single"" and your profile picture is you with your cat - Well then no fucking shit"

"What's a vampire's favorite fruit. Neck-tarine"

"I just ate 4 cans of alphabet soup. I'm going to have the best vowel movement."

"I asked Siri to tell me a joke She turned the front-facing camera on"

"How many Deadheads (Grateful Dead fans) does it take to change a lightbulb? No one knows, they wait for it to burn out and follow it around for twenty years."

"As I looked into her eyes I felt my knees go weak and my stomach turned to butterflies. That's when I realized I'd drugged the wrong glass."

"Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who's getting cut from the team"

"No coffee in the pantry this morning so I had to go outside and show my dick to a cop to get the old motor running."

"Men treat women like objects. Weird men treat objects like women."

"Does a Priest have a wife? He has nun."