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Joke of the Day

"PASTOR: and the lord said unto uscan u stop please? it's very distracting ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don't think he said that"

"Post natal depression is a serious condition. I'm 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me."

"When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I'm like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree."

"How did the mathematician solve his problem with constipation? He worked it out with a pencil"

"I would never give you a death sentence. It would be more like a paragraph."

"As a pot smoking narcissist, my life is all smoke and mirrors"

"If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattracitve... ...eventually they would find me attractive."

"the series finale of Game of Thrones will be the camera pulling back & revealing it was a snowglobe and the owner is watching sports instead"

"Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar... ... and doesn't"

"How fuckin' good do babies smell!? I wanna jam one up each nostril and rob a bank!"