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Joke of the Day

"Are you having trouble finding your kids' name's on bottles of Coca Cola? Then I bet you wish you'd given them proper names instead of thinking you were clever by calling them Lake and Destiny."

"NASA's robot Curiosity landed on Mars. Early pictures show no signs of ESPN, beer and porn, making it very clear that men are not from Mars.."

"Did you hear about the guy that got married to a T.V. antenna? I guess the wedding was boring, but the reception was great."

"I put the ""fun"" in dysfunctional. "

"One fish, two fish, red fish WHO LEFT THEIR BLOODY TAMPON IN THE FUCKING FISHBOWL?"

"[in heaven after crucifixion] jesus: ""they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there"" god: [rubbing his neck] ""see the thing is"""

"I used to be in a band called The Prevention. We weren't great. But we were better than The Cure."

"I'm worried that if I give up smoking I'll replace it with murdering."

"Girl I like keeps putting me in the ""dad zone"" Good thing this weekend is Father's Day."

"5yo after licking my face: ""Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you."""