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Joke of the Day

"I'm only human. And like all humans, I'm a fucking asshole."

"How does a Jew make coffee? He brews it."

"What do you call an elephant that no one needs? Irrelephant."

"How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, no matter what they are, yell out ""Oh come on. Even I've done THAT!"""

"*opens car door to drop kid off at school & sees kool aid instead* If you're here then.. [cut to kid bursting through a wall like 'oh yeah']"

"I'd rather someone ask if they can have one of my internal organs than ask if they can borrow my cell phone."

"The person who owns Hovis is from my local area. Born and bred."

"Pay attention to your kids... Because one day he will stuff a sugar free gummy bear in your mouth that he rubbed on a cat."

"*Buys map of world, pins up on wall *Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands *hits wall outlet *has amazing time being electrocuted"

"Haters gonna hate. Procrastinaters gonna ... get back to you on that tomorrow..."