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Joke of the Day

"What did Lord Nelson say to his shipmates before they got on the ship? Get on the ship"

"If a woman asks if you ""notice anything new"" tell her ""I do, your beauty surprises me every day."" Then continue thinking about velociraptors"

"What Did The Time Traveler Do After He After He Ate Too Much? He Went Back Four Seconds."

"Forgot my Fitbit because it was charging and now it's like I walked for no reason."

"I was recently at an antiques store. I picked up a lamp and a genie popped out. He said ""I will grant you one wish, you can either have a long memory or a long penis"" I forget my response."

"Joke What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? Wife: ""I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"" Husband: ""You have perfect eyesight."""

"I was walking in the woods the other day... ... when I ran into a bear and I accidentally played Dad instead of Dead. Now it can ride its bike with not training wheels"

"What do geological plates and dinner plates have in common? They're both pieces of china."

"*rubs lamp* *genie comes out* You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes. ""I wish for more genies."" I SAID NO WI- oooh, you're good."

"Don't think I know half of my FB friends....Who the heck are you people?"