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Joke of the Day

"Forgot my Fitbit because it was charging and now it's like I walked for no reason."

"Why shouldn't you wear a watch on your belt? It'd be a waste of time."

"How many psychiatrists does it... ...take to change a light bulb? 0, the light bulb has to want to change itself."

"I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it."

"I bought a My Little Pony T-shirt the other day. Because sometimes I just don't want anyone to approach me for any reason at all."

"The rest of you just need to get fat because I don't feel like going to the gym anymore..."

"Did you know that the new iPhone 5 helps people lose weight? When you pay for it you can't afford to eat for a month."

"Coining Money. George Washington: We should put ""We Trust In God"" on our money. Thomas Jefferson: Great idea! Did you get that? Yoda: Yep"

"Girlfriend gone and no Internet. Just jerked off to Halo menu screen music."

"Joe's pizzeria and abortion clinic Your loss, our sauce!"