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Joke of the Day

"I turn to my brother and ask Hey bro, what's the most you've jerked off in one day? ""About 3 dudes""."

"Once I've repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret: I come from a long line of mumblers."

"My wallet just went through the wash. I guess you could say I've been laundering money."

"I lovingly caress my belly. ""You're expecting?"" a woman asks. I smile serenely. ""Just ate an amazing burrito,"" I tell her."

"Why doesn't Barbie get pregnant? Because Ken comes in other boxes."

"stewardess Stewardess: ""Would you like some headphones?"" Me: ""How did you know my name was phones?"""

"If i get a rat tail... If i get a rat tail on my chinese food, should i complain or is it on the house?"

"What's the worst vegetable to have on a boat? My fucking retarded son"

"[arguing w girlfriend] Her: I feel like we have communication problems. Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day."

"What's the worst part about Necrophilia? The awkward silence."