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Joke of the Day

"[argument w/girlfriend] HER: you know what your problem is? ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i'm about to find out"

"My arms sometimes get tired during sex and I drop my phone on my face."

"Breaking News ..... international womans day postsponed until tomorrow , as they haven't got anything to wear"

"Sick at home with a temperature. Girlfriend says why are you so hot, ""I don't know I was born that way""."

"I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval."

"My pupil is dilated... ...6 inches. Guess I shouldn't have believed her nine months ago when she said she was on the pill. 13 year old girls are such liars."

"Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest."

"I got kicked out of a massage parlor the other day. Apparently the prostate isn't considered ""deep tissue."""

"Help! I've been robbed! They stole everything except my deodorant, shampoo and hand soap. Dirty bastards"

"What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra? The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back."