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Joke of the Day

"interviewer: what can u bring to the firm me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles] interviewer: I meant like clients me: [removes cactus]"

"1st grade: Color inside the lines. 10th grade: Color outside the lines. Art School: Snort the lines and then go color."

"The human race won't go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out"

"If Hillary and Trump were on a boat and it sank, who would survive? America"

"A vagina is like a warm toilet seat on a cold day It's nice, but you can't help but wonder who was there before you."

"ISIS, meet ebola. Ebola, meet ISIS. Problem solved."

"It's really easy to be picky on Tinder... Sometimes I swipe left just because I have dirt on my screen."

"What is the best thing to come out of Italy? An empty bus.."

"Relationship status: can't go to the same bar as last night, because I'm wearing the same shirt as last night."

"[March 15] Brutus: Going 2 the senate? Caesar: yeah u? Brutus: yep it'll be killer Caesar: how so? Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff"