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Joke of the Day

"[work email] Me: Can I meat the new guy? Boss: Meet? Okay, sure... Me: Great! *hides bag of steaks*"

"What do you call a gay man in his house by himself? homolone"

"When is a farmer like a magician? When he turns his cow into pasture."

"When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life."

"Baseball is my favorite sport, because you can play it on a professional level with food in your mouth."

"want to hear a dirty joke? A boy fell in the mud. Want to hear a clean joke? The boy took a bath with bubbles. Want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is the girl next door,"

"[first date] Me: *sees he owns a cat* Him: Are you a cat or a dog person? Me: *maintains eye contact* *pushes cat off the table* *leaves*"

"It's 2011, microwaves should have one button that says Cook Shit."

"On a scale of 1-10 How old was Michael Jackson's boyfriend?"

"You won't be hearing from me for a while. I'm being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables.... I gotta lilo."