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Joke of the Day

"[first date] ""so what do you do?"" *thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I'm a hedge fund manager"

"older woman => young dude: cougarnolder man => young women: manthernolder man => younger men: faguarnolder woman => younger women: sheetah"

"What did one cheese say to the other? I know it's cheesy, but I feel grate!"

"Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool."

"I don't appreciate the trash talking Chinese athletes saying ""we OWN you!"" to the U.S. team. Let's leave our deficit out of this!"

"I had a parrot that talked . . . but it never said, ""I'm hungry."" So it died."

"Wile E Coyote: I can't get rid of this headache *TNT explodes* *anvil drops on his head* *bus flattens him* Dr: it's probably stress-related"

"What do prime numbers and white girls have in common? They literally can't even."

"Just bought lean chicken breasts instead of hot wings for supper because I'm a stupid fucking mature adult."

"Inception [2010, Psychological thriller] a group of people fall asleep - 148 mins"