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Joke of the Day

"""Daddy, are vampires real?"" ""No, sweetie. Go back to bed."" *waits until daughter is asleep* *grabs red Sharpie* *draws 2 dots on her neck*"

"I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her."

"Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear... [2 days later] *Caesar opens mailbox* ""oh FFS Van Gogh IT'S A SAYING!!!!!'"

"Me: Let's go to Chipotle Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let's go to Chipotle"

"People with Tourette's would be great to take to improv shows where they take audience suggestions."

"If one day I woke up gay... Id go back to sleep"

"When someone tells me they're sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago."

"Quitting smoking was the easiest thing I've ever done... I've done it hundreds of times."

"A graham cracker is just a white dude selling coke in the ghetto."

"Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? Because he was outstanding in his field!"