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Joke of the Day
"Q. How do men exercise on the beach? A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini."
Next Joke
"How are music and candy similar? We throw away the rappers."
"Oh, you used ""whom"" in casual conversation. Well, I didn't realize I was in the presence of William Fucking Shakespeare."
"I was shocked when I found out just how many techno songs Steven Hawking sings on."
"Wife: Let's go outside. 3-year-old: No! The deer will eat me. Wife: Deer don't eat people 3: The zombie ones do Wife: Get your dad. Now."
"A gift card that only allows the user to purchase more gift cards until they finally go insane."
"Clean tweeting is liberating. You don't need profanity to make a point. Look: Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy."
"My friend used my todo list to roll a blunt He's high on my list of priorities"
"This might be an uncomfortable subject for some... But we need to start talking about Germany's plans to drill for oil in 2940."
"[at the gym] PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have? ME: *leans in close* I'd prefer human"