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Joke of the Day

"Although not as effective as finger quotes, finger commas and finger periods are way fun."

"89% of being a parent is telling my kids to put on shoes before we leave the house and then getting in the car wearing my slippers."

"The key to great joke tel TIMING! ling is"

"You'd be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!"

"I don't want to live forever... But I do want to see the end of the DFS* sale. *Insert regional sofa store"

"I cut butter with a regular knife and now it won't stop crying like a little bitch."

"Whats that when you keep moving constantly produces something white ? Its toothbrush dear dirty minded people.."

"Why are the cops shooting so many black men? There's plenty of Mexicans to shoot too. Yeah I'm going to hell for that one."

"[1st Date] Her: I've had a hysterectomy Him: I've had a vasectomy Her: Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Him: You gonna eat those fries?"

"Chris Christie is so fat, he plans on walking for president."