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Joke of the Day

"[spider confronting me] him: yo did you steal my coat? me: [wearing 8-sleeved coat] no this is mine"

"I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I'm ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa."

"You know something, Jon Snow Lord Commander: ""So, Jon Snow, is it true you have lain with a Wildling girl?"" Jon Snow: ""Yes, sir, it is true. But I have no Ygrittes."""

"Surprised ""too much"" still isn't a serving size."

"Stupid science joke Calcium Carbonate gets into an argument with his friend, electron. ""Why do you always have to be so negative?"" ""Shut up, you're just basic!"""

"ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what NURSE: Sir it's a blood draw please stop saying that"

"I'm one boob, you're the other boob and together...we're Breast friends."

"Why did the dinosaur eat the baby??? It didn't. Humans did not appear until after the extinction of dinosaurs."

"Accidentally tweeted the typo ""iLettuce"" a few minutes ago and now Apple fans are lining up in front of my house."

"what's the difference between an irish wedding and an irish funeral? one guest"