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Joke of the Day

"Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight's dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork."

"I started a company... I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof."

"It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs. They take things literally."

"Lindt have done well this Christmas They've made a killing"

"What did the lobster say when he saw the mermaid? Gotta lay off the sea-weed."

"What do you call an incognito deer? An anonymoose"

"What's the difference between a horse and a zebra? A lawyer."

"I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me."

"What's the definition of gross? Two vampires fighting over a used tampon"

"Two guys walk in to a Bar First Guy orders an H2O. The Other Guy orders H2O too. The Other Guy dies."