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Joke of the Day

"Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5 The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless"

"Q: Have you heard the one about the witch's broom? A: It's sweeping the valley. (That one usually floors me, but I'm going to brush it aside before I'm swept away with laughter.)"

"Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks."

"Twiter helps me keep my finger on the pulse of what today's youth is jazzing & vibing to. #hip #relevant"

"I'm a humanitarian. I prefer my human cooked with scallions and a little Worcestershire sauce."

"Why are hunters good love-makers? They always go deep in the bush, they can shoot more than once, and eat what they shoot."

"I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."

"Who was the first to see a cow and think ""I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?"""

"What did the blind man say to the deaf man? Nothing. Because the blind man can't fucking see him and even if he said something, the deaf man wouldn't be able to fucking hear it."

"Women used to call me ugly until they heard how much money I have Now they call me ugly and poor. (Heard a long time ago, couldn't find source)"