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Joke of the Day

"My Australian friend hit a sheep in his car the other day... ...I told him it doesn't matter where it happens, domestic violence is not okay."

"Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry."

"Why are all these jokes about unhappy relationships? Said my wife as she looked over my shoulder. What a nosy fucking bitch."

"Why did the bicycle stop moving? Because it was two-tiered."

"I like when babies cry and you make the same noise as them, and they look at you like, ""Wow. That's annoying."" and you're like, ""I know."""

"What is the hardest part of eating vegetables? Their wheelchairs"

"People who genetically engineer food, why don't you make celery that tastes like Reese's Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up"

"Safety first. Just kidding, coffee first. Safety's like third or fourth."

"If you can think of a better fish joke Let minnow."

"What did the little boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas? Cancer."