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Joke of the Day

"If Trump wins the presidency, you know who's gonna be the most excited about buildin' a Southern border fence? Canada."

"The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep."

"New York City is the only place where sound travels faster than light. I always hear the horn before the light turns green."

"What happened to the gay dude whose lover kicked him out his house? He is Homoless"

"My friend with OCD keeps hitting F5... he says he finds it refreshing. I told him he needs help, now he keeps hitting F1. (edit- thanks to r/supremesnicker for the better punchline.)"

"My girlfriend wanted me to include her more.. My girlfriend cuddled up to me and said ""I wish you would play with me like to do those video games"". So, I Dragon-punched her in the face."

"What is worse than finding a worm in your apple? Being raped by a giant praying mantis."

"""Well boy,"" I yell to my dog, seated in the basket of my pushbike as we plummet to the rocks below, ""naming you E.T. clearly wasn't enough."""

"What's grey and comes in litres? An elephant. Apologies if this is a repost - heard it yesterday and had to share."

"Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top. -me to my beer."