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Joke of the Day

"*strums guitar* This is a little ditty I've been working on called ""Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies"" Hope you like it."

"I lost 80 pounds a while back... British prostitutes are expensive."

"*Pulls up to drive-thru window* ""Extra toilet paper please"" Do you mean napkins? ""Sure, whatever"""

"If I could be any arithmetic operation, I'd be subtraction. I just want to make a difference."

"I lost my rutabaga I'm sure it'll turnip somewhere."

"""I'm tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back."" ----people in wheelchairs probably"

"Me: how much is all the money in the world? Genie: not sure exactly Me: give me a ballpark figure POOOF *I'm now the size of Shea Stadium"

"Why do psychics ask questions?"

"What does Sting have in common with a snitch? They both sang at the police."

"The FBI announce Hillary's indictment on April Fools"