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Joke of the Day

"A poor old man got hit by a car today. I say poor because he only had 90 cents in his wallet."

"Do you want to hear a trick to get a head in life? Murder"

"When people say ""surreal"" they mean ""real"", it's just most of your life is not very real, just repetition and routine."

"Are you from Iraq? Cause i wanna see you Baghdad ass up."

"My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind."

"What did one unemployed cancer cell say to the other unemployed cancer cell? Let's get Jobs. Found in the comments of a /r/til post by /u/laurelwraith"

"I think my TV is broken because these commercials make being human look like a gorgeous adventure but I'm just tired and sad. Yes I can hold"

"I got fired from my job as a bingo caller... apparently ""A meal for two with a terrible view"" was a pathetic way to announce the number 69."

"Before you reply angrily at a tweet, just ask yourself if you'd yell at a retarded kid for screaming irrelevant shit into a megaphone."

"My friend got a pretty bad haircut I told him it would grow on him"