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Joke of the Day

"Did you hear about the guy that died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn't close his coffin"

"I had a cold so I stopped by the drug store. I asked for some vitamin C. The Spanish pharmacist said ""Si'"" I said ""Yes, C"" And that is how the fight got started."

"What's 18 inches, stiff and makes girls cry all night? Cot death"

"*Wakes up in Superman's body* Me: Holy crap! I'm finally a hero! *Uses heat vision to re-heat last night's pizza & puts on Netflix*"

"Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this."

"To ensure my wife misses me while I'm away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight."

"We have a strange custom in our office. The food has names there. Yesterday, for example I got me a sandwich out of the fridge and its name was ""Michael""."

"If black people have the race card, women have the gender card, what do rednecks have? The Trump card."

"*first date* Me: Tell me more about you Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN'T STABBED ANYONE LATELY Me: *deletes Tinder* Let's get married!"

"[Asking someone out] Um...so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?"