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Joke of the Day

"Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this."

"Weird how people think I won't summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing."

"I'm getting really good at this parenting thing. I just secretly ate 3 oreos while my kids were in the same room."

"What did a lesbian frog tell another lesbian frog? Damm, we do taste like chicken!"

"Hillary and Trump crash in a plane, who survives? The United States"

"How many potatoes does it take to kill am Irishman? Zero."

"Another tale from the bar. A priest, a rabbi, a minister, a monkey, and a duck walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, ""What is this, some kind of a joke?"""

"*steals machine parts all year* *gets coal for xmas* ""Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber"" *turns coal into diamond*"

"Whenever I'm nervous on a business call, I just envision the person on the other end of the phone as a muppet."

"Why was the cat afraid of the tree? Because of the tree bark."