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Joke of the Day

"Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this."

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"Weird how people think I won't summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing."
"I'm getting really good at this parenting thing. I just secretly ate 3 oreos while my kids were in the same room."
"What did a lesbian frog tell another lesbian frog? Damm, we do taste like chicken!"
"Hillary and Trump crash in a plane, who survives? The United States"
"How many potatoes does it take to kill am Irishman? Zero."
"Another tale from the bar. A priest, a rabbi, a minister, a monkey, and a duck walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, ""What is this, some kind of a joke?"""
"*steals machine parts all year* *gets coal for xmas* ""Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber"" *turns coal into diamond*"
"Whenever I'm nervous on a business call, I just envision the person on the other end of the phone as a muppet."
"Why was the cat afraid of the tree? Because of the tree bark."