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Joke of the Day

"I made two New Year's resolutions: my first is to stop procrastinating I'll make my second one later"

"People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one's laughing now. Wait."

"I hate jokes about disabled people They can't even stand up for themselves"

"A prisoner was told how he'll be executed Needless to say, he was shocked."

"Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you. Her: Tell me... Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?"

"I'm 10 times more likely to get mugged in Colorado than I am in New York City. Because I don't live in New York City."

"Did you hear Poland bought 5,000 septic tanks? As soon as they figure out how to drive them, they'll invade Germany."

"my thoughts and prayers go out to anyone at ComicCon attending a live taping of a podcast"

"Never ever marry a tennis player Love means nothing to them"

"I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don't have a free hand to break them up."